Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Financial Problems??? Get Yourself A Uighur!!

My Friends!

Are you behind in your mortgage?? Has your 401K tanked?? Are you tired of living in the dark because you can't pay your electric bill?? Yes, some of our government's decisions have certainly affected our economy in a negative way!! And, with the possibility of new taxes looming on the horizon, what's a person supposed to do?!?!? I WILL TELL YOU, IN THREE EASY WORDS.


What?? What the hell is a Uighur. I am glad you asked. A Uighur is a Chinese Muslim. There are currently 17 Uighurs being held at Guantanamo Bay but it has been determined that they are not actually "enemy combatants" and should be released. Unfortunately, no one wants to take them!! Fortunately, we have Barack Obama, quite possibly the smartest human being to ever live and he has figured it out! The United States taxpayers will simply pony up $200 million dollars, i.e. $200,000,000.00, and pay it to the island of Palau, who will then graciously take these 17 Uighurs and give them a home. For those of you who are not great with math, that breaks down to a bargain basement payment price of only $11, 764,705.89...a mere pittance by the standard of government spending in this administration.

But then I was thinking to myself, even though $11,764,705.89 is a great bargain price...maybe I could do it for less myself. So I was thinking that maybe I would tell President Obama that I will take a Uighur, or maybe two, and I would do it for 20%, NO, 25% off the cost of what Palau wants to charge. I will take a couple of Uighurs at a price to the government of only, ONLY $8,823,529.41, taxes and tags included.

I figure that once I have my new Uighurs, I can build a guest house for them, or, if they are nice, maybe just a new wing on my house. I should be able to hire some decent security guards (anyone know a reliable security company?) to keep everything under control and still probably realize a nice little stipend for myself of say, oh, $5 million dollars per Uighur.

This could become a real cottage industry, but you have to hurry and get in on the ground floor before all the Uighurs are gone. Call the White House today and tell Barack that you want a Uighur for your very own. It will mean savings for the taxpayer, it is patriotic, and it could be a fun hobby and a learning experience for you and your kids. DON'T DELAY!! CALL TODAY!!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I want a Uighur too. But this is just like buying government guaranteed CDOs - you have to be an insider to qualify.