***NEWS FLASH*** *****PRESIDENCY TO BE OUTSOURCED*****
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President's term.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wa). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about." Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a 2-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
***SCIENTIST ANNOUNCES NEW CURE FOR CONSTIPATION***
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, there is a new surefire cure you should try. When constipation strikes, just look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession:
"MY FINANCIAL AND PERSONAL WELL BEING ARE TOTALLY IN THE HANDS OF BARACK OBAMA, JOE BIDEN, HARRY REID, NANCY PELOSI, TIM GEITHNER, RAHM EMMANUEL, BARNEY FRANK, CHRIS DODD AND AL GORE!"
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life!
MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA STRONG AND FREE FOREVER!